"I'm going to grab some lunch," I say as I stand up and push my chair in.
She replies with an "alright," and doesn't even look at me. I wonder if I annoy her. I'm not sure what brings this thought on, but I'm suddenly aware of it. I push it out of my head, and tell myself that's not the case.
I step outside and feel the warm sun shine on my skin. I'm not sure where I'm going to stop for lunch, I guess I'll see where my stomach (and my wallet) take me. As I'm crossing streets, my mind is wondering to how badly I want a cigarette. Trying to quit, I tell myself that I don't need it.
"I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it..." I repeat in my head over and over again.
I become conscious of the fact that I'm walking into a familiar pizza place where I eat lunch every now and again. Delicious and cheap, good thinking stomach.
I grab a diet coke out of the fridge, and notice that it says "Share a DietCoke with SEAN"
My lips curve to form a half smile. Sean is my boyfriend, so I snap a picture of the bottle and send it to him. Then, I ask for two slices of cheese pizza, pay with cash, and sit at one of the tiny tables inside. The pizza is hot, and every time I take a bite, the cheese stretches from it to my mouth. I eat slowly, wanting to taste every bite.
I look at my phone, and the time says "1:30." I'm only allowed a 1/2 hour for break, so I finish up and throw away my trash. When I walk outside, I see a man smoking a cigarette. I have the urge to ask him if I can steal one. But I don't. I keep walking, towards my office. When I cross the street, I stop in front of the 7/11.
"I don't need it... I don't need it... I don't need it..."
"Well, maybe I'll buy a pack and just have a couple. I'll limit myself to 5 a day this week."
My thoughts trick me to justifying my bad habit. I walk into the store.
"A pack of Marlboro Reds, please." I say
"Sure, ID?" asks the cashier.
I take out my wallet, hand over my license, and the $10.14.
"Thanks," I nod to the guy behind the counter.
Next thing I know, I'm holding a cigarette between my lips and lighting it up.
"I don't even remember opening them," I think.
But I shrug off the thought and continue back towards my office. Just as I reach my desk, I feel my phone vibrate and the name "Sean" pops up.
"Haha that's cool!" he texts, "Oh, btw I want a cigarette so fucking bad."
We're both trying to quit.
"How many have you had today?" I type back
"2" He responds.
Immediately, I feel guilty. I just had my 4th one. And I bought a full pack. I don't tell him, and he does not ask.
These cigarettes are going to be the death of me.... literally. I mean, of course I hope that's not the case, but they're putting a toll on my lungs, my mouth, and my wallet. It's sad, but my wallet concerns me more than my health does. Cigarettes are so fucking expensive, is it even worth it anymore?
No, it's not. But I can't stop. As bad as I want to, as hard as I try, I give into the craving. I'm weak, and nicotine controls a part of me.
Finally 5 o'clock has come and I'm walking home from work. I'm thinking about school, and all of the assignments I need to do. I'm thinking about work, and everything I'll have to do tomorrow. I'm thinking about my family & friends, and plans that I've made with them. I'm thinking about my bed, and how badly I want to crawl under the covers, forget every obligation I have, and just sleep. But then...
(This week's poem)
When I Stop, I Notice
When I stop, I notice
The beauties of life
And it makes me forget
About my pain and strife
Of course its temporary
But it puts me in a trance
When I watch the wind
Make the trees dance
The colors of the sun
Setting in the sky
A waterfall pouring off
A cliff up so high
The fresh crisp smell
Of the morning air
Watching the rain
As it hits the ground
Crushing the leaves
In Fall that have browned
The charming elegance
That nature endures
Is the only thing that cures
My mind from traveling
Down dead end roads
Setting me free,
To see,
The beauty
That the present holds.
Molly,
ReplyDeleteAwesome free write. This is a great story that you've crafted - a story about craving and fighting. There's so much going on here. How you share the Coke (via a pic), how you share a struggle (for the cigarettes), even how you fight the cravings along the whole break.
I hope that you do cut down and stamp it out. It sounds like that's what you really want to do. Yikes, $10 a pack must add up, too.
I think you'll get there. It's a good challenge. I think you've got it in you.
Your post is great. And your poem is very sweet. I like the simple nature theme that you chose and the imagery that derives from it. The drops of rain, the brown leaves... dead end roads (thoughts). Great stuff. Simple.
Real.
Take the power that you put into each of these blogs, the diligence, and put some of it towards your fight agains cigarettes. You can't lose with that power.
GR: 96