Everything Happens For A Reason

I was sitting outside on my Aunt's porch soaking up the hot July sun. Music was playing, kids were laughing, beers were being drunk, and there was plenty of food to last us all night. It was a small get together for my cousin Kyle's going away party. He was joining the Navy. My dad was in work, but I was expecting my mom to arrive any minute.

*Ring...ring-a-ling...ring...ring-a-ling* 

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I looked at the screen to see an unknown number calling me.

"Hello?" I answered

"Hi, Molly?" The voice replied

"Yes, who's this?" I asked

"It's your mom's friend, Maureen"

"Oh, hi. Are you looking for my mom?" I questioned

"Actually, sweetie, I'm with your mom now. She asked me to call you and tell you that she's not going to make it to your Aunt's today."

"I see, is everything okay? Can I talk to her?" I began to worry

"Well she can't come to the phone right now. She's okay, but we're at the hospital. She's going to be admitted."

"What happened? Was there an accident???" I was now panicking

Before Maureen could answer me I quickly added, "What hospital? I'm coming there now."

At that moment, I heard my mother's voice on the line

"Molly, I'm okay. There was no accident. I just need to get some help for myself" she told me

"Why, mum, what's wrong?" I gently demanded

"Well, I won't lie to you," she began "I was having some scary thoughts in my head and I wanted to die." 

Tears immediately began to fall from my eyes. I felt like there was a huge lump in my throat that prevented me from speaking. I had no words to say, my mind was racing.

"Are you there?" My mom called out on the other end of the line after a short silence between us.

"Yeah," I barely let out

"Okay, I just wanted you to know. I didn't want you to find out from someone else," she admitted

"Can I come see you?" I begged

"Not right now, they're going to be admitting me, then transferring me to a different hospital. Once I'm settled in there I will call you and tell you the visiting hours." 

"Can't I just come wait with you until then?" I pleaded

"Molly, no" my Mom began to choke up, "I have to go, the doctor just walked in."

"I love you" I confessed

"I love you, too" she said, and I could hear the tears in her voice.

*Click*

I couldn't stay at this family party any longer. I wasn't enjoying myself. I didn't want to tell anyone about the phone call I had just received, so I made up some lie and said I had to run. I drove home in silence by myself. But the thoughts in my head were louder than any car radio could ever go. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. My brother took his own life 9 years before, and now my mother wants to take hers too? 

"What did I do to deserve this, God? What did my mother do to deserve this? Are we such bad people that we have to suffer with internal pain?" I yelled at the sky when I arrived at the cemetery.

I hadn't even planned to go here, but I found myself pulling up next to my brother's grave. 

"YOU did this to her! I hope you understand that, I hope you can see how much pain you've caused this family!" I shouted at his grave stone from my car. 

I knew that was why my mother was feeling the way that she was, even though she did not admit it to me. She wants to be with him, I thought. I became furious at my dead brother for the first time.

"I don't even care about me, Mark, but how could you do this to Mum?? She has never been anything but caring and loving and making us a priority before herself. And then you go and do something like this!? Give her the strength to make herself better, it's the least you could do. I don't care what it takes, she's not going with you. You chose to leave, you don't deserve her. She's the most amazing woman I know, and you're missing out!" 

I held my head in my hands, and wept until I had no more tears. I was confused, hurt, and so very angry. 

The next day, my dad called my siblings and I into the dining room. 

"Listen," he told us, "I'm going to see your Mom in the hospital, and you come if you'd like, but I'm going to need some time alone with her when we get there."

"I'm coming" I announced

None of my other siblings wanted to go, which made me angry with them. But, they reacted the same way when Mark had died. None of them were ever open or honest, they always hid behind a mask to bury their true emotions. Which is exactly what my mother had been doing, she revealed to me when I finally got to see her in person.

"I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I was okay. That I was happy, even. I realize now that I haven't been, and that's why I'm here. I need to make myself better" She declared.

She spent some time there learning new ways to cope, and how to live her life without thoughts of constantly wanting to die. When she got home, things didn't change right away. I looked at her in a different light. As if she were a tiny infant, so sensitive and fragile. I felt the need to take care of her.

Now when I look back on this experience, I no longer feel angry at Mark, or any of my other siblings. And I'm no longer confused about my mother's pain, or why God put our family on this path. My mother got the help that she needed, and is a stronger, happier, more truthful person because of it. 

Anger was one of the five stages of grief that I hadn't really experienced after Mark's death. But when I thought my mother was going to end up in the ground with him, that's when I became heated. This experience helped to go through that stage, with a reason, rather than not knowing why I was angry. I learned that there are no time limits on grief, and there's no specific order in which you would go through each stage of it.

I learned that I can get through anything, no matter how hurtful or difficult it may seem. And now, I take things in stride because I know that theres a lesson that will come out of it all. Everything happens for a reason, good or bad, even if we can not see what that reason is. I believe this with all that I am, and it gives me hope to get through any challenges that come my way.

My poem below is about my opinion on psychological alchemy and what it means to me. Hope you enjoy....

Alchemy

What is true happiness?

It's different to all

To each is their own,

But most are unknown

When you capture the dark

The fear, the sorrow

And find the marvels that hide

You will have a better tomorrow

Do not be powerless of each day

Doing what you do just to get by

For as a wise man once stated in a very wise book,

That this is, "the world's greatest lie"

Society today creates a world 

That we are all supposed to follow

Yet by doing so, we find

That inside it makes us hollow

We yearn for more out of life

We set goals to our dreams

But set them aside

As we try so hard

To work out the extremes

But they are only extremes

Because society says so,

So next time you hear that "you can't"

Just get up, and go

Live your life without the rules

That are instilled within the walls

Of all of our lives

And travel the halls

Of your mind

To find

Your desire

And live them out

Before they expire