Free My Mind

I'm sitting at my desk in my office. My stomach grumbles, and I look up to see if my boss notices. She is sitting at her desk, right across from me. Just before another rumble comes, I put a wad of cash into the cash machine because it's loud enough to drown out the sound of my stomach. She didn't look over at me, so if she did hear my tummy, she must've ignored it. But I'm hoping she the noise of the cash being counted blocked it out.

"I'm going to grab some lunch," I say as I stand up and push my chair in.

She replies with an "alright," and doesn't even look at me. I wonder if I annoy her. I'm not sure what brings this thought on, but I'm suddenly aware of it. I push it out of my head, and tell myself that's not the case.

I step outside and feel the warm sun shine on my skin. I'm not sure where I'm going to stop for lunch, I guess I'll see where my stomach (and my wallet) take me. As I'm crossing streets, my mind is wondering to how badly I want a cigarette. Trying to quit, I tell myself that I don't need it.

"I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it..." I repeat in my head over and over again.

I become conscious of the fact that I'm walking into a familiar pizza place where I eat lunch every now and again. Delicious and cheap, good thinking stomach.

I grab a diet coke out of the fridge, and notice that it says "Share a DietCoke with SEAN" 

My lips curve to form a half smile. Sean is my boyfriend, so I snap a picture of the bottle and send it to him. Then, I ask for two slices of cheese pizza, pay with cash, and sit at one of the tiny tables inside. The pizza is hot, and every time I take a bite, the cheese stretches from it to my mouth. I eat slowly, wanting to taste every bite.

I look at my phone, and the time says "1:30." I'm only allowed a 1/2 hour for break, so I finish up and throw away my trash. When I walk outside, I see a man smoking a cigarette. I have the urge to ask him if I can steal one. But I don't. I keep walking, towards my office. When I cross the street, I stop in front of the 7/11.

"I don't need it... I don't need it... I don't need it..."

"Well, maybe I'll buy a pack and just have a couple. I'll limit myself to 5 a day this week."

My thoughts trick me to justifying my bad habit. I walk into the store.

"A pack of Marlboro Reds, please." I say

"Sure, ID?" asks the cashier.

I take out my wallet, hand over my license, and the $10.14.

"Thanks," I nod to the guy behind the counter.

Next thing I know, I'm holding a cigarette between my lips and lighting it up.

"I don't even remember opening them," I think.

But I shrug off the thought and continue back towards my office. Just as I reach my desk, I feel my phone vibrate and the name "Sean" pops up.

"Haha that's cool!" he texts, "Oh, btw I want a cigarette so fucking bad."

We're both trying to quit.

"How many have you had today?" I type back

"2" He responds.

Immediately, I feel guilty. I just had my 4th one. And I bought a full pack. I don't tell him, and he does not ask.

These cigarettes are going to be the death of me.... literally. I mean, of course I hope that's not the case, but they're putting a toll on my lungs, my mouth, and my wallet. It's sad, but my wallet concerns me more than my health does. Cigarettes are so fucking expensive, is it even worth it anymore?

No, it's not. But I can't stop. As bad as I want to, as hard as I try, I give into the craving. I'm weak, and nicotine controls a part of me.

Finally 5 o'clock has come and I'm walking home from work. I'm thinking about school, and all of the assignments I need to do. I'm thinking about work, and everything I'll have to do tomorrow. I'm thinking about my family & friends, and plans that I've made with them. I'm thinking about my bed, and how badly I want to crawl under the covers, forget every obligation I have, and just sleep. But then...
(This week's poem)

When I Stop, I Notice

When I stop, I notice

The beauties of life

And it makes me forget

About my pain and strife

Of course its temporary

But it puts me in a trance

When I watch the wind

Make the trees dance

The colors of the sun

Setting in the sky

A waterfall pouring off

A cliff up so high

The fresh crisp smell

Of the morning air

Watching the rain

As it hits the ground

Crushing the leaves

In Fall that have browned

The charming elegance

That nature endures

Is the only thing that cures

My mind from traveling

Down dead end roads

Setting me free,

To see,

The beauty 

That the present holds.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I was sitting outside on my Aunt's porch soaking up the hot July sun. Music was playing, kids were laughing, beers were being drunk, and there was plenty of food to last us all night. It was a small get together for my cousin Kyle's going away party. He was joining the Navy. My dad was in work, but I was expecting my mom to arrive any minute.

*Ring...ring-a-ling...ring...ring-a-ling* 

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I looked at the screen to see an unknown number calling me.

"Hello?" I answered

"Hi, Molly?" The voice replied

"Yes, who's this?" I asked

"It's your mom's friend, Maureen"

"Oh, hi. Are you looking for my mom?" I questioned

"Actually, sweetie, I'm with your mom now. She asked me to call you and tell you that she's not going to make it to your Aunt's today."

"I see, is everything okay? Can I talk to her?" I began to worry

"Well she can't come to the phone right now. She's okay, but we're at the hospital. She's going to be admitted."

"What happened? Was there an accident???" I was now panicking

Before Maureen could answer me I quickly added, "What hospital? I'm coming there now."

At that moment, I heard my mother's voice on the line

"Molly, I'm okay. There was no accident. I just need to get some help for myself" she told me

"Why, mum, what's wrong?" I gently demanded

"Well, I won't lie to you," she began "I was having some scary thoughts in my head and I wanted to die." 

Tears immediately began to fall from my eyes. I felt like there was a huge lump in my throat that prevented me from speaking. I had no words to say, my mind was racing.

"Are you there?" My mom called out on the other end of the line after a short silence between us.

"Yeah," I barely let out

"Okay, I just wanted you to know. I didn't want you to find out from someone else," she admitted

"Can I come see you?" I begged

"Not right now, they're going to be admitting me, then transferring me to a different hospital. Once I'm settled in there I will call you and tell you the visiting hours." 

"Can't I just come wait with you until then?" I pleaded

"Molly, no" my Mom began to choke up, "I have to go, the doctor just walked in."

"I love you" I confessed

"I love you, too" she said, and I could hear the tears in her voice.

*Click*

I couldn't stay at this family party any longer. I wasn't enjoying myself. I didn't want to tell anyone about the phone call I had just received, so I made up some lie and said I had to run. I drove home in silence by myself. But the thoughts in my head were louder than any car radio could ever go. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. My brother took his own life 9 years before, and now my mother wants to take hers too? 

"What did I do to deserve this, God? What did my mother do to deserve this? Are we such bad people that we have to suffer with internal pain?" I yelled at the sky when I arrived at the cemetery.

I hadn't even planned to go here, but I found myself pulling up next to my brother's grave. 

"YOU did this to her! I hope you understand that, I hope you can see how much pain you've caused this family!" I shouted at his grave stone from my car. 

I knew that was why my mother was feeling the way that she was, even though she did not admit it to me. She wants to be with him, I thought. I became furious at my dead brother for the first time.

"I don't even care about me, Mark, but how could you do this to Mum?? She has never been anything but caring and loving and making us a priority before herself. And then you go and do something like this!? Give her the strength to make herself better, it's the least you could do. I don't care what it takes, she's not going with you. You chose to leave, you don't deserve her. She's the most amazing woman I know, and you're missing out!" 

I held my head in my hands, and wept until I had no more tears. I was confused, hurt, and so very angry. 

The next day, my dad called my siblings and I into the dining room. 

"Listen," he told us, "I'm going to see your Mom in the hospital, and you come if you'd like, but I'm going to need some time alone with her when we get there."

"I'm coming" I announced

None of my other siblings wanted to go, which made me angry with them. But, they reacted the same way when Mark had died. None of them were ever open or honest, they always hid behind a mask to bury their true emotions. Which is exactly what my mother had been doing, she revealed to me when I finally got to see her in person.

"I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I was okay. That I was happy, even. I realize now that I haven't been, and that's why I'm here. I need to make myself better" She declared.

She spent some time there learning new ways to cope, and how to live her life without thoughts of constantly wanting to die. When she got home, things didn't change right away. I looked at her in a different light. As if she were a tiny infant, so sensitive and fragile. I felt the need to take care of her.

Now when I look back on this experience, I no longer feel angry at Mark, or any of my other siblings. And I'm no longer confused about my mother's pain, or why God put our family on this path. My mother got the help that she needed, and is a stronger, happier, more truthful person because of it. 

Anger was one of the five stages of grief that I hadn't really experienced after Mark's death. But when I thought my mother was going to end up in the ground with him, that's when I became heated. This experience helped to go through that stage, with a reason, rather than not knowing why I was angry. I learned that there are no time limits on grief, and there's no specific order in which you would go through each stage of it.

I learned that I can get through anything, no matter how hurtful or difficult it may seem. And now, I take things in stride because I know that theres a lesson that will come out of it all. Everything happens for a reason, good or bad, even if we can not see what that reason is. I believe this with all that I am, and it gives me hope to get through any challenges that come my way.

My poem below is about my opinion on psychological alchemy and what it means to me. Hope you enjoy....

Alchemy

What is true happiness?

It's different to all

To each is their own,

But most are unknown

When you capture the dark

The fear, the sorrow

And find the marvels that hide

You will have a better tomorrow

Do not be powerless of each day

Doing what you do just to get by

For as a wise man once stated in a very wise book,

That this is, "the world's greatest lie"

Society today creates a world 

That we are all supposed to follow

Yet by doing so, we find

That inside it makes us hollow

We yearn for more out of life

We set goals to our dreams

But set them aside

As we try so hard

To work out the extremes

But they are only extremes

Because society says so,

So next time you hear that "you can't"

Just get up, and go

Live your life without the rules

That are instilled within the walls

Of all of our lives

And travel the halls

Of your mind

To find

Your desire

And live them out

Before they expire

Memories That Made Me, Me.

There are many instances that I can recall from my life (so far) that have taught me lessons, and taught me aspects about myself that I had never known before. A lot of these encounters have shaped me into the person I've been, the person I am, and the person I'm ever becoming. I've already written about a few of these moments in this blog, but this time I'm going to switch it up and write about other experiences that have well, made me - me....

The United States Air Force

I was 20 years old when I made the decision that I wanted to join the military. I wasn't quite sure why, but I felt the desire to serve for my country and make a living of it. I spoke a lot about it with my brother, Stephen, who had served two terms over seas. One in Iraq, and the other in Afghanistan. He was a part of the National Guard, which he stressed to me that I should not join that branch of the military. I was convinced that I wasn't very intelligent as I hadn't gotten accepted to any of the seven colleges I applied to after high school. But, I studied as hard as I could and I took the ASVAB, which is the "placement" test for the military. I ended up doing much better than I had ever imagined! This was when I realized that I had more potential that I had realized. I wanted to do something in the medical field, and let the military pay for me to go to nursing school. I was given a list of jobs that I qualified for in the Navy, and in the Air Force. In the end, after a lot of soul-searching and research, I chose the Air Force because it seemed like the best branch in my opinion. Out of the list of jobs I was given, one job stuck out the most to me. It was para-rescue, which in brief, is jumping out of a plane into a hostile environment to help an injured soldier. This job came with medical training, which I thought would come in handy since I wanted to go to nursing school. Not to mention that I thought it was extremely badass to jump out of a plane into a hostile environment. I told my recruiter that this was my number one job. With regret, he told me that I could not have that job, even though I had qualified for it. This was because it was special-ops, something that is only open to men. That is, until 2018. In four more years, women will be allowed to fill these special-ops positions as well. At that moment, I decided to wait. I decided to get my nursing degree on my own, without help from the military, and once I graduate, to join as an officer. This way, I will have a better knowledge, and more options of what I can do in the Air Force. I don't know if I'd still want to do para-rescue by the time 2018 is here, because I'm not sure where I'll be in life. What I mean by this is, I'm not sure if I'll be a mother, a wife, or have a different dream or goal. I still look forward to it as of now, in this moment, but I will not limit myself to it. I will work towards it and see where life takes me from there.

My body is my canvas...

This is an actual photo of my tattoo,
taken by the artist right after it was completed

Well, I guess I should rephrase that since I'm not a tattoo artist; My body is my tattoo artist's canvas. At the age of 22, I have six tattoos. Most of them are small, but they all have a lot of meaning to me. I thought a while about getting a very big tattoo on my arm, and eventually creating it into a sleeve. I knew that this would be a big decision because I would have it imprinted on me forever. I came to the decision that I would do it. So I looked up a lot of different places and artists until I found "the one." I made the choice to get a half sleeve that extends onto the back of my shoulder as well. It is three roses; one closed, one blooming, and one that is fully bloomed, a dream catcher, and a humming bird that is "feeding" off of the semi-opened rose. I thought about getting it all in black and grey ink, but the artist suggested that I add some color to make it "pop." So I trusted her, and couldn't be more happy with it. It has a lot of meaning to me. Throughout my life I have always had nightmares, both in dreamland and in reality. The point of a dream catcher is to catch the bad dreams in the net, so that only good ones come to you. I was introduced to dream catchers when I was 8 years old. My brother had gone to basic training. I forget what state he was sent to, but I remember a letter he wrote me while he was there that said he was, "where all the cowboys and indians used to live." As a child, I loved cowboys and indians, and I always wanted to know more about them. When he came home, he brought with him a dream catcher that was very large and had three nets intertwined in it. I had that dream catcher for so long that it began to fall apart. I stitched it back together using duct tape and staples. When my family and I moved, I lost it. My mother claims that it must've been lost in the move, but I think she threw it out because it was so old and beat up. The roses on my tattoo symbolize life. The beginning, the transformations, and the beauty that come with it. The hummingbird symbolizes inspirations, peace, and joy. I believe that these are all things that I desire in life, and that I work towards to achieve. This tattoo comes together as a whole in my pursuit of happiness, love, and satisfaction in my life.

When I found my soul-mate

My boyfriend, Sean, and I having a blast at Hampton Beach

When it came to romance, I started off in a bad way, as I've mentioned in a previous post. But, I didn't give up until after high school, when I broke up with my long-time boyfriend. We had been together for three long years, and grown very close. I was convinced that he was the one, and was heartbroken when we couldn't make it work anymore. Things never ended on a bad term, in fact it was quite mutual, but still very hurtful. I left the relationship without an closure and kept craving to go back for more. I knew it was for the best since we were both on different paths in life, and my mother told me that, "It wasn't meant to be with him, because your soul-mate is still looking for you." I met the love of my life through my brother, who had been friends with him for quite some time; through my cousin, who had played hockey with him as a child; and through a mutual friend, who had known him all of his life and even went to high school with him. Despite our mutual acquaintances, we had never known that the other existed. Until one night, we were all together having a couple drinks at a bar. Immediately, we hit it off and soon enough we became close friends. I never looked at him as a romantic interest. To be honest, I wasn't looking for love, and I was bitter about it. After failing so many times, and being so hurt the last time, I wanted nothing to do with a relationship. I told him how I looked at him as a brother-type figure. He was protective, yet fun, sensitive, caring, and generous. I'm not sure when, or even how it exactly happened, but we're together, and in it for the long run. He's a few years older than me, so he dreams about marriage and children more often than I do, but we picture a future together. I'm not sure exactly what will happen in the future, but I know what I want to happen. I can tell you this much, every single relationship I've been in before him, I only thought that I was in love. It wasn't until I met him that I realized how forced those relationships and feelings were. Our love is natural, and patient. One quote that I like to relate it to is a Bible verse (although I'm not very religious). I quote, "1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." This is a beautiful quote that I never understood until I feel in love with my best friend. I'm so happy that I gave love a chance again, and now I can quote with honesty that it truly is "better to have loved, than to have never loved at all..."  

A Mother With No Children, Is a Tough Job to Have.

I was workin' nine to five

Actin' like a momma

Tryin' to make some cash

But dealin' with a bunch of drama

I was put in a room with babies screamin' and cryin'

Being told that I had to calm them

Or I'd be fired, my boss was implyin'

I worked harder than any in that joint

But that bitch pushed me passed my breaking point

It was one snowy winter day

I was sick as a dog

I called into work 

With the voice of a frog

She yelled, "Get your ass here"

But I hung up the phone

I ain't lettin' her talk to me

In that kinda tone

She called back to say 

That I'd lose my job

I said bitch I don't care

You're nothin' but a snob

Nah I'm only foolin' I didn't say all that

But I should've since she was bein' a brat

I popped a few advil and headed to work

When she saw me walk in she had a lil' smirk

"Feelin' better I see?" 

She snarled sarcastically

"I love these kids, and bein' their teacher,

But I can't stand you or your features"

These things I thought in my quiet mind

While I put in my notice and resigned

The children were lovely

And the job rocked

But my boss made me miserable 

So I decided to walk....

By The Powers Invested in Me...

There have been times where I've used my inner strengths to my advantage without even realizing I was doing so. Then there have been other times that I let my weaknesses overpower my inner strengths. Regardless of which time it was, I had come to realize a new power that I possessed and that I would keep with me for the rest of my life...

The Good

The company I work for is growing bigger and bigger every day. I began working for them in May of this year (2014). I was offered the job as the front desk receptionist, even though I had no experience in any type of office position. Within two months, the owner of the company asked to set up a meeting with me. I was a bit nervous as I did not know what to expect from this meeting. Turns out, she offered me a 5 dollar raise and a position with much more responsibility. Of course I could not turn down this opportunity. I accepted in a heartbeat. She expressed how well-liked I was, and how much they trusted me. I was a bit shocked, because I never tried too hard. I suppose it was my confidence and honesty, which are two things I hadn't noticed about myself before. But after receiving this promotion in a short amount of time, with no experience, I came to see that these two qualities about me are strengths that will take me far in life.

The Bad

Although having the confidence I did gave me a chance to be successful, I haven't always been that way. There was a time when I let my self-doubt get the best of me. When I look back on it, it was a mix of my self-doubt and fear. I was 15 years old, and I had just gotten into my first long-term relationship. Of course I didn't know at the time how long it would last, but I met someone who I thought understood me, and who I thought that I understood as well. He was the first to say, "I love you," and that was the first time a non- family member said something like that to me. I was flattered of course, but I didn't feel the same way. I was young and immature, and didn't want to lose his friendship, so I told him that I loved him back. We had good times, and shared many laughs and "first-times" for about a year into the relationship. Then, things began to turn sour. I don't remember exactly when things went wrong, all I know is that they did. I used to get this gut-feeling that things were not right, but I always ignored it, telling myself that I didn't know anything. I suppose that self-doubt was triggered by the words he used over and over to belittle me. I began to believe it myself. I felt useless. I felt ugly, both inside and out. He began to threaten and hurt me physically, and I would tell myself that I deserved it. That's why I stuck around. Now, I will always remember to trust my gut-instinct. I will never ignore that feeling again since it has yet to be wrong.

The Now

I had heard of positive affirmations before taking this course, and have always thought that if I believed them, they would eventually become true. I guess that is how I got my confidence back after being in a horrible teenaged relationship. My mother calls it "the secret." She says that if you put positive vibes into the universe, that the universe will send positive vibes back to you. Same thing goes for negative vibes. I think that writing, as I've mentioned, is a very useful activity that i use without noticing to strengthen my inner powers. And finally, I've found that meditation helps me to relieve a lot of stress. Once my mind is free of stress and worries, my inner strengths are no longer blocked and will naturally show themselves to all around me. 

This Week's Poem:

When I Was A Limitless Child

When I was a limitless child,

My imagination ran wild

I would dream of fields of unicorns

With the sun shining off their rainbow colored horns

I imagined that fairytales were true

That they were a way of life

And that every man was prince who knew how to woo

I believed that warlocks really existed

Some that were evil, and some that were kind

That witches weren’t all wicked, there were nice ones you could find

I believed that much love really lived in these ancient times

To me, a kiss could really wake the dead

And a cheshire cat could really stand on it’s head

I fantasized about a mermaid who learned how to walk

And about a wooden doll who learned how to talk

I pictured in my head, the boy who never grew old

And I believed these things, no matter what I was told

I wondered about a beast that turned into a prince

If these things were all once upon a time, what’s happened to them since?

What happened to the girl who lived with seven men,

Today she’d be called a slut, over and over again

What happened to Aladdin and his magic rug?

After 9/11, he’s treated like a poisonous bug

What happened to the boy who used pixie dust to fly?

Now a days they use it, but only to get high

If a time machine existed, and there was anywhere to go,

I’d travel to the time I was young, when fairytales were real, oh so long ago…

Letter to my mentor

Dear Mum,

I'm writing to thank you. I can only hope that by the end of this letter you will understand how much you mean to me. However, I don't believe words will ever be enough to express how I feel about you. I know that I don't thank you as much as I should. In ways, I believe that I take advantage of the thought that you'll always be here, regardless of whether I express my gratitude or not. But you deserve better than that. You deserve to know how much I truly am grateful for you. As a mother is supposed to do, you have taught me so much about life, love, and everything in between. Over the years we have had plenty of ups and downs, some of which have brought us closer together, and others that pulled us a part. You are one of my best friends. I believe that we will always have a deep connection that may sometimes bend, but it will never break. The list of thank-you's I could write about would be never-ending, so I'll keep it short and begin with the most important reasons. 

When Mark died, you and I grieved together, while everyone else kept to themselves. You, however were profoundly strong. At least that is what you wanted us (the rest of your children) to believe. I don't know what I would have done without you during that horrible time. You taught me that crying is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength. When I was lost in the torment that ached my heart and mind, you held my hand and brought me into the light. You made me realize that I was not coping with Mark's death in a healthy way. You helped me sow my wound shut, so that it could begin to heal. The wound became a scab, which then became a scar. You took care of all of us before you dealt with your own sorrows and grief. When you finally broke down, when your heart couldn't pretend any longer, my scar ripped back open. I couldn't let you go through it alone. I needed to be there for you, just as you had been there for me. Believe it or not, during that time you taught me another valuable lesson. To never hide behind a mask of emotions just to please other people. If you're not okay, say so. If you need help, ask for it. And when you want to give up, have hope. I think this is something that we learned together that summer. Something that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. 

During those horrid years that followed Mark's death, I was broken. I hated life, I hated God. I didn't want to move on with life without my brother. I know you felt the same way, except of course he was your son. I don't know the pain of losing a child, and I hope that I never do. I can only compare my own pain of losing a sibling, which I doubt is nearly as agonizing as losing your first born. I gave up, I let the darkness surround me and trap me in it's web. I wanted to. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be happy anymore. I felt as if a part of me would always be dead. But as I mentioned, you brought me back to reality. You told me, "Life is going to move on with or without us, whether we like it or not. We need to be strong, and let Mark live on through us." By giving me such inspiring words to ponder, you gave me a purpose again. A purpose to begin to live again, to begin to laugh again, and to begin to love again. The purpose was all for him. To live for him, to laugh for him, and to love for him. As I learned to do these things for him, I learned to do them for myself. Today, I still love and miss Mark more than anything in this entire world, and I know you do too. 

Thank you for always being there for me, not just during the worst time of my life, but for all of the other times that I thought the world was over. Every time I had my heart broken by some jerk in high school, you told me that someone better was out there. You said, "You've already been through the worst thing (Mark's death), you can get through this break-up." There have been times that I have repeated those words to myself over, and over again, knowing them to be true. I'm a stronger person because of you. I wish that I could have reversed the roles and helped you as much as you have helped me. But I know that day may come, where you will be old and grey, and I will be your nurse. Just as you were mine, physically and mentally.  Your bravery, strength, kindness, and warmth are qualities that you have passed on to me. I couldn't ask for a better mother or friend. I love you with my whole heart and soul Mum. Please don't ever forget that!

Love always,

Molly

About Me

My name is Molly Margaret Flynn. I was born in Boston, MA. For the first half of my life (so far) I lived in Charlestown, which is a part of Boston that borders Somerville, Everett, and the North End. I'm number 5 out of 6 children in my immediate family. There was a time during my childhood that all of my siblings, myself, and my parents lived together in a cramped 4 bedroom public housing apartment. Those were the good ole' days. I treasure those crazy, fun, chaotic memories. I wouldn't trade them in for all of the money in the world. To me, they are priceless. Today, I live with my parents, my little brother, my only sister, and my 3rd oldest brother in Tewksbury, which is about 20 miles north of Boston. It borders Lowell, Wilmington, Billerica, and Andover. I'm a proud "Auntie" of two nieces and one nephew. My parents decided to move away from the city when my oldest brother, Mark, killed himself. We all needed a change, a way to help us heal and move on. As much as I hated living in this tree-infested town, I've met friends that will last a life-time; I've met people who have given me both positive, and negative experiences that have made me into the person I am today, and the person who I am ever becoming; I've learned that I'm terrified of the dark, and that I need to hear something other than crickets to help me sleep at night.

When I first moved up here, I had no friends, and had no interest in staying in contact with the friends I left back home. I wasn't even in high school yet, but I was deeply depressed and felt extremely alone. I began to cope in unhealthy ways, which I won't get into. I had horrible grades at school, and would stay home any chance I got. Most days, I tricked my Mom into thinking I was sick so she would let me stay home. But on the days that she would force me to go, I would sit in class and write down everything I felt instead of copying the notes on the board. I believe that this is how my hobby of writing came to life. I haven't stopped writing since then, and I hope I never do. I would never pursue writing as a career, because I love it too much. Someone one said to me that if you turn your hobby into a career it will become work. I never want writing to seem like work to me, although I know some of my pieces do need work. Other than writing, I enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephew. I will always be a kid at heart, so hanging out with them is easy and just plain fun. They bring out a part of me that I didn't know existed until they came into this world. Almost like a motherly instinct, but in this case I suppose it would be an "auntie instinct." With them, I am protective, playful, and innovative.

Others would describe me a bit differently. According to my boyfriend, I am kind, thoughtful, and generous. While my sister thinks of me as a thief (for borrowing some of her cute tops, and sweet smelling perfume). My mother talks about me as if I am her therapist, since I listen and can relate to most of the things she vents about. My dad would describe me as his "Smallbabe," the nickname he gave me as an infant. Although I'm a grown woman, to him I'll always be his little girl. My brother would describe me as an instigator. I'm not at all, but he thinks this way because of all the times he's had to stand up for me. And although I don't condone violence, I did feel proud when he suckered the guy in the face that got a little too touchy-feely at the bar. But when asked to describe myself, I always chose the word shy. When I am face to face with people who don't know me well, or vice versa, my social senses shut down. I'm like a turtle in fear, who pulls it's head inside it's shell to protect itself. This is something I have dealt with for my entire life, and because of this it's hard for my to make new friends, or even colleagues. I no longer want to live with this burden, so I'm choosing to think positive and believe my thoughts will all I have. The affirmation I chose to help me with this journey of social confidence is "I am beautiful and smart and thats how everyone sees me."

Here is an Arcostic Poem I wrote to that affirmation....

I

Am
Molly,

Beautiful and smart in
Every way.
A
Unique
Talent
I possess is to
Fully, and
Unconditionally
Love myself

And
Never
Doubt myself.

See, this is
My
Affirmation you're
Reading
Today

And
Now please,
Don't judge

The things I say
However, you might
And
That's okay.
So what if you judge? But,

Heed my advice,
Our judgements
Will

Eat us alive
Very slowly, they will
Eat us alive
Right or wrong,
Your thoughts are your
Own
Never
Ever forget to

See
Everyday, that you are beautiful in
Every way
Smart as well, just like

Me, and that is how
Everyone sees me.

I hope you all enjoyed it!

Until next time... Peace out :)