Less Attitude, More Gratitude

When I wake up on Monday morning, all I want to do is go back to sleep. I don’t want to think about going to work, or school, or dealing with any social encounters. I’m exhausted from the weekend, from seeing friend’s I've been neglecting to running errands, doing homework, and making some time for my family. 

“Five more minutes,” I tell my boyfriend when he tells me to get up. What I mean by five more minutes is that I do not want to go to work today. But, I know that I have to, so I drag myself out from under the covers, hop in the shower and begin my day. 

When I’m leaving my house, I’m dreading sitting in the traffic that’s clogging up the interstate. I wish my car could drive itself while I nap on the way to work.

The things I take for granted

I am lucky and privileged enough to have a great paying job (for someone with no degree). I've been there for six months, and although I don’t hate it, it doesn't satisfy me anymore. I find myself becoming more and more bored of my same old routine every day. Most of the time, I think of my job as an annoying responsibility that I have to commit to. But, I should be more grateful to have the opportunity to be able to make money and have a full time, year round position. 

The other thing I take for granted is my car. It’s a 2007 black Toyota Corolla. It has only had one previous owner, and the miles were really low on it when it came to me. My parents bought it for me as a gift when I graduated from high school. I forget sometimes how fortunate I am to have a nice, reliable car that’s great on gas. I don’t take care of my car as well as I ought to. It’s a filthy mess to be honest. Not with trash, but with clothes all over the back seat, and the nasty cigarette stench that fills it from me smoking in it over the years.

The people I am grateful for

There are little day to day things that I've began to noticing more and more after studying gratitude in this course. Things that I used to take for granted, but am now very grateful of.

I am grateful that my parents bought me a car for graduation. I never expected them to do such a thing. My first car was a 1997 Purple Pontiac Sunfire. I had worked all summer when I was 15, and bought the car all on my own. It was totaled a year later, due to rusting underneath. After that, I would borrow my Mom’s car when I could, and I started saving for another car that I had my eye on. I went away with some friends after graduation, and when I came home, my Toyota Corolla was waiting in the driveway for me. I couldn't believe they had bought it for me! I couldn't be more thankful to have parents like them.

I’m unable to park at my job. When I started, I would take a water shuttle that goes directly to my office. I was able to take it for free, because the company I work for ran it. But then my boyfriend started offering to drive me over every morning (its five minutes from his place). He then drops me off, goes to the Dunkin Donuts right down the street, and texts me to come outside because he got me a coffee. I’m so grateful to have such a caring, generous boyfriend. He’s always doing little things like this for me without me even asking him to.

Taking in the good

Instead of feeling stressed out between work and school, I could “take in” the fact that I’m able to commit to both. Not everyone is able to have a job, and not everyone is able to further their education. But I am doing both, and although it can sometimes be overwhelming, I should learn to appreciate the good in both of them (the money, experience, and the knowledge). At first it will have to be a conscious effort for me to take in the good, but soon I will be able to do so without even realizing.

5 Haikus of Gratitude

The land of the free

Home of the brave, U-S-A

Its where I reside

The money I make

The experience I have

They keep me alive

My family and friends

Always there when I'm in need

So glad they love me

The knowledge I gain

From attending the classes

I take in college

Every day I wake

To a sun rising up high

I am so grateful

Obstacles To Overcome My Fears

I suppose that my fear of failing school and the fear of the unknown could go hand-in-hand. I think that I would be unhappy if I ended up being stuck at my current job, living pay check to pay check because I failed school. And although I know how it would make me feel, I do not know what my life would be like. I just can't picture it. I suppose it would be like it is now, but with no potential of getting better. It is unknown to what my day to day would be like if I were to fail out of school.

Yes, one could argue that it is unknown what my life would be like even if I am successful in school and start my career as a nurse. But I know that it will be satisfying and that I will have the opportunities to do more than I am doing now. Being the

empathetic person that I am, I believe that I will make a good nurse. I think that helping other people will help me feel good about myself and make me feel as though I am making a difference in the world. I'm as compassionate for helping other people as I am loyal to other people. I'm a very loyal girlfriend, daughter, sister, and employee. I believe that once I finish school I'll go far in life because of these assets I possess.

I'm trying to be a healthier person both mentally and physically since I'm on my journey to becoming a nurse. I have recently joined the gym, and have been going three days a week. It's not that I didn't exercise before, but I didn't make it a priority. Paying money for a gym memberships motivates me to go and exercise so that I get my moneys worth. This helps me both mentally and physically. To help me stay mentally/emotionally healthy, I journal. Whether it be poetry, made up stories, or just my thoughts from the day, I always write it down. Just as I'm doing now. I find that letting my feelings out through journaling helps me be a less stressed, and a more happy person.

Fear of Battle

Hey, ya'll might think I'm crazy

For the fear that I carry

And if I fail school

Ya'll might think I'm lazy

Now don't call me a baby

For bein' ascared of the dark

In the unseen waters

Could be lurkin' a hungry shark

Thats ready to take a bite

Right out the side of me

But you see,

No, you don't see,

Cause theres nothin' but black

And in the unknown world

It's courage I lack

But the cowardly lion

Gained some guts

And if he can be fearless, maybe

I should grow some nuts

Free My Mind

I'm sitting at my desk in my office. My stomach grumbles, and I look up to see if my boss notices. She is sitting at her desk, right across from me. Just before another rumble comes, I put a wad of cash into the cash machine because it's loud enough to drown out the sound of my stomach. She didn't look over at me, so if she did hear my tummy, she must've ignored it. But I'm hoping she the noise of the cash being counted blocked it out.

"I'm going to grab some lunch," I say as I stand up and push my chair in.

She replies with an "alright," and doesn't even look at me. I wonder if I annoy her. I'm not sure what brings this thought on, but I'm suddenly aware of it. I push it out of my head, and tell myself that's not the case.

I step outside and feel the warm sun shine on my skin. I'm not sure where I'm going to stop for lunch, I guess I'll see where my stomach (and my wallet) take me. As I'm crossing streets, my mind is wondering to how badly I want a cigarette. Trying to quit, I tell myself that I don't need it.

"I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it..." I repeat in my head over and over again.

I become conscious of the fact that I'm walking into a familiar pizza place where I eat lunch every now and again. Delicious and cheap, good thinking stomach.

I grab a diet coke out of the fridge, and notice that it says "Share a DietCoke with SEAN" 

My lips curve to form a half smile. Sean is my boyfriend, so I snap a picture of the bottle and send it to him. Then, I ask for two slices of cheese pizza, pay with cash, and sit at one of the tiny tables inside. The pizza is hot, and every time I take a bite, the cheese stretches from it to my mouth. I eat slowly, wanting to taste every bite.

I look at my phone, and the time says "1:30." I'm only allowed a 1/2 hour for break, so I finish up and throw away my trash. When I walk outside, I see a man smoking a cigarette. I have the urge to ask him if I can steal one. But I don't. I keep walking, towards my office. When I cross the street, I stop in front of the 7/11.

"I don't need it... I don't need it... I don't need it..."

"Well, maybe I'll buy a pack and just have a couple. I'll limit myself to 5 a day this week."

My thoughts trick me to justifying my bad habit. I walk into the store.

"A pack of Marlboro Reds, please." I say

"Sure, ID?" asks the cashier.

I take out my wallet, hand over my license, and the $10.14.

"Thanks," I nod to the guy behind the counter.

Next thing I know, I'm holding a cigarette between my lips and lighting it up.

"I don't even remember opening them," I think.

But I shrug off the thought and continue back towards my office. Just as I reach my desk, I feel my phone vibrate and the name "Sean" pops up.

"Haha that's cool!" he texts, "Oh, btw I want a cigarette so fucking bad."

We're both trying to quit.

"How many have you had today?" I type back

"2" He responds.

Immediately, I feel guilty. I just had my 4th one. And I bought a full pack. I don't tell him, and he does not ask.

These cigarettes are going to be the death of me.... literally. I mean, of course I hope that's not the case, but they're putting a toll on my lungs, my mouth, and my wallet. It's sad, but my wallet concerns me more than my health does. Cigarettes are so fucking expensive, is it even worth it anymore?

No, it's not. But I can't stop. As bad as I want to, as hard as I try, I give into the craving. I'm weak, and nicotine controls a part of me.

Finally 5 o'clock has come and I'm walking home from work. I'm thinking about school, and all of the assignments I need to do. I'm thinking about work, and everything I'll have to do tomorrow. I'm thinking about my family & friends, and plans that I've made with them. I'm thinking about my bed, and how badly I want to crawl under the covers, forget every obligation I have, and just sleep. But then...
(This week's poem)

When I Stop, I Notice

When I stop, I notice

The beauties of life

And it makes me forget

About my pain and strife

Of course its temporary

But it puts me in a trance

When I watch the wind

Make the trees dance

The colors of the sun

Setting in the sky

A waterfall pouring off

A cliff up so high

The fresh crisp smell

Of the morning air

Watching the rain

As it hits the ground

Crushing the leaves

In Fall that have browned

The charming elegance

That nature endures

Is the only thing that cures

My mind from traveling

Down dead end roads

Setting me free,

To see,

The beauty 

That the present holds.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I was sitting outside on my Aunt's porch soaking up the hot July sun. Music was playing, kids were laughing, beers were being drunk, and there was plenty of food to last us all night. It was a small get together for my cousin Kyle's going away party. He was joining the Navy. My dad was in work, but I was expecting my mom to arrive any minute.

*Ring...ring-a-ling...ring...ring-a-ling* 

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I looked at the screen to see an unknown number calling me.

"Hello?" I answered

"Hi, Molly?" The voice replied

"Yes, who's this?" I asked

"It's your mom's friend, Maureen"

"Oh, hi. Are you looking for my mom?" I questioned

"Actually, sweetie, I'm with your mom now. She asked me to call you and tell you that she's not going to make it to your Aunt's today."

"I see, is everything okay? Can I talk to her?" I began to worry

"Well she can't come to the phone right now. She's okay, but we're at the hospital. She's going to be admitted."

"What happened? Was there an accident???" I was now panicking

Before Maureen could answer me I quickly added, "What hospital? I'm coming there now."

At that moment, I heard my mother's voice on the line

"Molly, I'm okay. There was no accident. I just need to get some help for myself" she told me

"Why, mum, what's wrong?" I gently demanded

"Well, I won't lie to you," she began "I was having some scary thoughts in my head and I wanted to die." 

Tears immediately began to fall from my eyes. I felt like there was a huge lump in my throat that prevented me from speaking. I had no words to say, my mind was racing.

"Are you there?" My mom called out on the other end of the line after a short silence between us.

"Yeah," I barely let out

"Okay, I just wanted you to know. I didn't want you to find out from someone else," she admitted

"Can I come see you?" I begged

"Not right now, they're going to be admitting me, then transferring me to a different hospital. Once I'm settled in there I will call you and tell you the visiting hours." 

"Can't I just come wait with you until then?" I pleaded

"Molly, no" my Mom began to choke up, "I have to go, the doctor just walked in."

"I love you" I confessed

"I love you, too" she said, and I could hear the tears in her voice.

*Click*

I couldn't stay at this family party any longer. I wasn't enjoying myself. I didn't want to tell anyone about the phone call I had just received, so I made up some lie and said I had to run. I drove home in silence by myself. But the thoughts in my head were louder than any car radio could ever go. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. My brother took his own life 9 years before, and now my mother wants to take hers too? 

"What did I do to deserve this, God? What did my mother do to deserve this? Are we such bad people that we have to suffer with internal pain?" I yelled at the sky when I arrived at the cemetery.

I hadn't even planned to go here, but I found myself pulling up next to my brother's grave. 

"YOU did this to her! I hope you understand that, I hope you can see how much pain you've caused this family!" I shouted at his grave stone from my car. 

I knew that was why my mother was feeling the way that she was, even though she did not admit it to me. She wants to be with him, I thought. I became furious at my dead brother for the first time.

"I don't even care about me, Mark, but how could you do this to Mum?? She has never been anything but caring and loving and making us a priority before herself. And then you go and do something like this!? Give her the strength to make herself better, it's the least you could do. I don't care what it takes, she's not going with you. You chose to leave, you don't deserve her. She's the most amazing woman I know, and you're missing out!" 

I held my head in my hands, and wept until I had no more tears. I was confused, hurt, and so very angry. 

The next day, my dad called my siblings and I into the dining room. 

"Listen," he told us, "I'm going to see your Mom in the hospital, and you come if you'd like, but I'm going to need some time alone with her when we get there."

"I'm coming" I announced

None of my other siblings wanted to go, which made me angry with them. But, they reacted the same way when Mark had died. None of them were ever open or honest, they always hid behind a mask to bury their true emotions. Which is exactly what my mother had been doing, she revealed to me when I finally got to see her in person.

"I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I was okay. That I was happy, even. I realize now that I haven't been, and that's why I'm here. I need to make myself better" She declared.

She spent some time there learning new ways to cope, and how to live her life without thoughts of constantly wanting to die. When she got home, things didn't change right away. I looked at her in a different light. As if she were a tiny infant, so sensitive and fragile. I felt the need to take care of her.

Now when I look back on this experience, I no longer feel angry at Mark, or any of my other siblings. And I'm no longer confused about my mother's pain, or why God put our family on this path. My mother got the help that she needed, and is a stronger, happier, more truthful person because of it. 

Anger was one of the five stages of grief that I hadn't really experienced after Mark's death. But when I thought my mother was going to end up in the ground with him, that's when I became heated. This experience helped to go through that stage, with a reason, rather than not knowing why I was angry. I learned that there are no time limits on grief, and there's no specific order in which you would go through each stage of it.

I learned that I can get through anything, no matter how hurtful or difficult it may seem. And now, I take things in stride because I know that theres a lesson that will come out of it all. Everything happens for a reason, good or bad, even if we can not see what that reason is. I believe this with all that I am, and it gives me hope to get through any challenges that come my way.

My poem below is about my opinion on psychological alchemy and what it means to me. Hope you enjoy....

Alchemy

What is true happiness?

It's different to all

To each is their own,

But most are unknown

When you capture the dark

The fear, the sorrow

And find the marvels that hide

You will have a better tomorrow

Do not be powerless of each day

Doing what you do just to get by

For as a wise man once stated in a very wise book,

That this is, "the world's greatest lie"

Society today creates a world 

That we are all supposed to follow

Yet by doing so, we find

That inside it makes us hollow

We yearn for more out of life

We set goals to our dreams

But set them aside

As we try so hard

To work out the extremes

But they are only extremes

Because society says so,

So next time you hear that "you can't"

Just get up, and go

Live your life without the rules

That are instilled within the walls

Of all of our lives

And travel the halls

Of your mind

To find

Your desire

And live them out

Before they expire